Break Down Walls (Part 4)—"Restore Broken Relationships"
This is series of blogs called, “Break Down Walls,” a look at the New Testament book of Philemon. The Apostle Paul wrote a letter to his friend Philemon and it’s been preserved in the New Testament as God-inspired scripture. For complete context, here’s a scripture link to Paul’s letter to Philemon:
Context
Context: Philemon was a disciple of the Apostle Paul, whom Paul had led to faith in Jesus several years before he wrote the letter. Philemon was living in the city of Colossae and was the pastor of a house church that met in his home. 2000 years ago, slavery in Roman households was an acceptable cultural practice. Philemon had a number of slaves. One was named Onesimus. He had run away and fled to Rome causing a rift between Philemon and Onesimus. Through God’s perfect will, Onesimus was led to faith in Jesus by Paul. In the letter, Paul was asking Philemon to forgive and restore Onesimus into the household as a brother in Christ. In this final blog of this series, I’ll look at God’s desire for the restoration of broken relationships.
Move Toward God's Purpose of Restoration
God's form of love must be the governing principle in our relationships. The result of that kind of love is the restoration of broken relationships. Look at what Paul writes in vv. 15-16…
“It seems you lost Onesimus for a little while so that you could have him back forever. He is no longer like a slave to you. He is more than a slave, for he is a beloved brother, especially to me. Now he will mean much more to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.”Note the words, “it seems.”
Paul believed that God brought about good from the wrong choices of Onesimus. It is even likely that Onesimus stole from Philemon before he escaped. We get a glimpse of that in v. 18…
“If he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me.”
So, Paul was asking boldly for a full pardon, complete forgiveness, and restoration, into a new relationship—not as a slave, but as a brother in Christ. Paul wanted Philemon to see that the hand of God was working and moving. He was implying that Onesimus' escape could have a divine outcome. Paul was not saying that the wrongs of Onesimus were inspired by God, but that God could use his wrongs for good, note v. 16...
“Now he will mean much more to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.”
Have you ever thought about how God is at work in the life of a family member or friend who is rebelling or taking a wrong path? If you are praying and trusting God to heal a damaged relationship, know that God is working behind the scenes in ways that may be surprising!
Tri Robinson in his book "Rooted in Good Soil" writes about how God worked in his life and his marriage. But he would never have predicted how God would do that. Take the time to read his story...
“When I got home from [a] mountaintop weekend [that had changed my life, drawing me closer to Christ], I was excited to share with Nancy what had happened. This was the very thing that for many years she had desperately wanted and prayed for. In the years since she had invited Christ into her life, she had been praying for me every day. However, Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick." I now see that must have happened. I think Nancy was recovering from a heart-sickness after all those years of unanswered prayer and concern for me. For so long she had wanted me to become the spiritual leader of our home, and when it was about to happen, I think it was kind of a letdown for her. At first, she was elated, but her happiness soon turned to anger. She got mad and over the next couple of weeks, her anger became visible.
I couldn't understand what was happening, and I remember wondering if my newfound faith in Jesus was such a good idea. I started to question everything about my faith and this stimulated real and honest prayer—for the first time in my life.
It was during this time one Sunday after church that everything came to a head. Our younger daughter, Katie, had gone to the home of some friends. The rest of us headed home for lunch, and our three-year-old son, Brook, went down for a nap. We had just met a new couple at church that morning and had invited them to drop by later that day. Everything seemed fine until something snapped, and a fight between Nancy and me began. I don't know what started it or even what it was about, but I do remember it escalating rapidly. All at once everything came out—all of Nancy's anger and all of my frustration erupted, causing Nancy to pick up a pottery mug and hurl it at me across the room. I was able to duck, and the mug missed smashing through the window of the front door.
Just as the pottery was flying, the couple we invited from church arrived and were walking up the front steps. They ducked and evaded the flying mug but decided it was not the best time to visit the Robinsons. They turned on their heels and headed for their car. I was embarrassed and humiliated, and I lost it like I have never lost it before or since. I started yelling and hitting walls and cupboards. Framed pictures and dishes fell to the floor. I went from room to room turning over furniture and shouting in complete frustration. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make Nancy satisfied with our life, and I didn't know what I could do about it. In the wake of this realization, I fell apart.All my life I had prided myself on being composed and put together; I always felt that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. That day God tore down everything I leaned on for strength. He was showing me that without him I would never be the person he created me to be. I needed him to be more than my Savior—I needed him to be the Lord over my life.
That day I learned in my confession of weakness that he would make me strong (see 2 Cor. 12:10). As I surveyed the aftermath of my rage, I saw my three-year-old son staring at me with huge, frightened eyes. I will never forget how he looked as he stood there in shock and disbelief. That's when it happened—that's when I finally broke. My deep frustration turned to tears, and the floodgates opened. I started to weep in a way I never had before. Tears welled up from the depths of my being, and my entire body started to convulse. I cried and cried and couldn't stop the tears. I cried for a whole life of pain and frustration, most of which Nancy had nothing to do with.I was broken in a way I can't fully express, but it was a brokenness that forever changed me. I held my son and Nancy held me, and together we cried and prayed. We repented for the way we had treated each other and together asked God to take control of our lives. It was a powerful God-moment in our marriage and in our life with God.
I believe that was the moment the seed of God's love and truth penetrated my life. It was a turning point, more powerful than any other I have ever experienced. My journey with God entered into the depths of good soil—to a place where my spiritual roots penetrated the soil of his provision for healing and wholeness. Not only did my relationship with God heal, my relationship with my wife changed as well. I could now love because I had come into the assurance that I was first loved.”
Unusual story? Not when God is at work!
We can't straighten out the crooked paths of others, but God can. God is in the business of restoring relationships. None of us can plum the depths of God's ways, but what we see in the book of Philemon is the mysterious ways of God at work. Perhaps that's why Paul closed his letter to Philemon this way in v. 25...
"May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit."
Paul was confident that God was working in and through this incident between Philemon and Onesimus. Paul also knew that only the grace of Jesus Christ working in Philemon's heart could turn a worst-case scenario into a good result—the healing and mending of the relationship.
Take Heart!
If you're in a difficult relationship with a loved one, allow the story of Philemon and Onesimus to help you see that even in your darkest moments and deepest despair, God is not distant or powerless.
Even a loved ones most destructive choices can be a tool in the hand of a loving God to bring about positive change.
Jesus knew well how messy relationships could be. He lived with 12 men for three years! In exasperation, He once called Peter "Satan" (Matthew 16:23). Jesus knew trials and sorrows of relating to loved ones who have stubborn hearts. In John 16:33, He told His disciples...
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
Whatever the mess you may be experiencing in a relationship in your home today, know this: Jesus is in the business of overcoming trials and sorrows!
Next Step
If you are in need of restoration with a loved one, here are a few next steps you can take:
1. Do your part to forgive and then pray that God would intercede and orchestrate healing. It may get messy before it gets better. But God is working!
2. In the same way that Paul surrendered his rights to “demand” right action of Philemon, you may need to get your pride and control out of the way in the mending of relationships in the family. Remember, God can take a bad situation and bring good from it.
3. If you have been praying, and the relationship is still strained, believe this: God has a plan to use family conflict to bring about His good purposes; to reveal what needs to be changed in your lives; to help you learn to rely on His resources; to teach you or those you love a deeper lesson in humility, acceptance, or grace.
Ultimately all family conflict will need to be settled in light of a God who is active, moving, loving and working all things toward His purposes. Pray, do what is right, be patient as God works His will and way.
