Break Down Walls (Part 3) "Sometimes, Only God Can Fix It"
This is a series of blogs called, “Break Down Walls.” It’s a look at the New Testament book of Philemon, a letter the Apostle Paul wrote to his friend Philemon in 60 or 61 AD. Here’s a link to Paul’s one-page letter to Philemon:
Let's recap: Paul had led Philemon to faith in Jesus several years before he wrote this letter. At the time, Philemon was living in the city of Colossae and had a number of slaves working for him. Slavery was an acceptable cultural practice in those days. However, in many Roman households, slaves were treated almost as family. One of Philemon's slaves, named Onesimus ran away and fled to Rome. It was there that he (miraculously) met the apostle Paul (who at the time was under house arrest in a Roman jail awaiting trial before Caesar). While in jail, Paul had a few privileges. One of them was that he could receive visitors. Paul took advantage of that and was able to teach others about Jesus Christ. God orchestrated a relationship between Paul and Onesimus and Paul eventually led Onesimus to faith in Jesus Christ.
As a result of that burgeoning relationship, Paul sat down and put pen to paper, writing this letter to Philemon. Paul's intent? That Philemon would forgive Onesimus and welcome him back into his household. As a Christ-follower, what would Philemon do?—would he bring Roman justice, or forgive and restore? In this series of blogs, I've been using Paul's writings as a springboard into navigating family relationships that are strained. Today's question is this: What do we do when a family member becomes rebellious, uncooperative, or defiant? Can we be "fixers?" It depends on the depth of rebellion and conflict.
A Foundational Principle
There’s a foundational principle the emerges in the circumstances of this event between Paul, Philemon and Onesimus:
As humans we’re limited in our capacity to bring about change in another person. We can say all the right things and model all the right perspectives, but unless God empowers the change, we may never see it happen. Sometimes, only God can fix people.
No, ultimately you can't change the heart and mind of another person. And then there are times we go the other way. We can fall into the trap of enabling loved ones to continue in their bad behavior--both children and adults. Psychologists talk about "co-dependency." It's defined as "A type of dysfunctional "helping" relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement." It's also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Co-dependency is often the tendency many well-meaning parents or spouses practice when loved ones are acting badly. It stems from a love WITHOUT boundaries.
Charlene, was experiencing chronic, mild depression, with sudden spikes in symptoms. In counseling, she identifies her boyfriend as the source of her emotional downturn. She tells her therapist that he is emotionally abusive and drinks to intoxication every day. Charlene says that she knows they "love each other." However, as the therapist probes a bit, Charlene says that she feels "the whole thing is my fault." The therapist recognizes codependency and helps Charlene check her beliefs about herself, her boyfriend, and relationships generally, pointing out that Charlene cannot possibly rescue or fix her boyfriend, and that people are responsible for their own behavior.
Attempts to affect change in others who are chronically acting badly either causes more stress in relationships or it ends up making it easier for the difficult person to continue their behavior as you run around picking up their messes (in the name of love).
Change in a person's behavior needs to be a mutually agreed upon effort. The person who tries to change another without their cooperation will eventually get angry, bitter, and critical. He/she will give up or give in or ignore the bad behavior and instead settle to live miserably.
Only God Has the Power to Change Hearts
Yes, there are times you need to give a person over to their rebellion to suffer the consequences of their bad choices. Not Easy! In Paul’s letter to Philemon, we're reminded that only God has the power to change the hearts and lives of people. In the letter, Paul models a solution to the strained relationship between Onesimus, the runaway slave, and Philemon, the master. He’s not trying to fix the relationship, his only desire is to empower those he loves to develop their own sense of moral responsibility. Look at what Paul writes to Philemon in vv. 8-9…
“That is why I am boldly asking a favor of you. I could demand it in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do. But because of our love, I prefer simply to ask you. Consider this as a request from me—Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus.”
Notice the language Paul used. “I am asking a favor of you…I could demand it because it’s the right thing to do…” But Paul didn’t demand it. In his appeal to Philemon, he recognizes he can't manipulate or control Philemon's behavior. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says, “Love…does not demand its own way.” If you find yourself in a difficult relationship in your home, your responsibility is to speak God’s truth in love with the wisdom and power of God. You can instruct, encourage, model, negotiate and mentor, but you can’t fix people. Only God can do that.
The Freedom to Fail and Suffer Consequences
So, when reasonable efforts of working through relational issues with a child, teen, young adult, spouse or extended family member fail to adjust their behavior what do you do? Let go of the handlebars. Allow the person to experience the consequences of their behavior. That may include removing all the safety nets you could construct in order to soften the blows (or protect yourself from worse case scenarios). This takes courage and wisdom! But the alternative simply doesn't work.
Are you willing to allow a loved one to fail? Sometimes a family member will need to learn for themselves the pain of going against God’s truth as well as logical, common-sense, rational behavior.
As a parent, realize there are some things you can’t change about your children’s personality or choices or tendencies. In a marriage, you can’t change your spouses will or character. You can and should offer good counsel, teaching, and wisdom. You can set boundaries with your spouse and kids, clearly stating the consequences. But there are going to be times when a loved one will just have to experience the natural consequential outcomes of their bad behavior. The Apostle Paul would have preferred Philemon and Onesimus to do what’s right and good because he believed it reflected the love of Jesus. But he couldn’t force them to do that; he couldn't fix this relationship. Paul could have leveraged his spiritual leadership to “force” Philemon into right action. Philemon may have submitted to Paul's authority and freed Onesimus, however, domination, power, and control is never effective long term.
Years ago, I would get lazy with my parenting and do the easy thing. I pulled the authority card: “You do it because I said so…I’m the parent and you’re not…This is my home and as long as you live under my roof you’ll do what I say.” (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has spouted those words!)
Something like that can be said (calmly) a time or two, but at some point, if a child doesn’t get it, that approach just won't work. I like how Paul coached his two friends. He appeals to Philemon's free will; to act in a manner consistent with a man who loved Christ and people. The principle is this: In a conflict, a change of heart cannot be coerced or manipulated. Relating to a loved one that you're at odds with requires prayer, waiting on God to change his/her heart, and copious amounts of patience as the loved one takes responsibility for their own change of behavior and attitude. Sometimes, only God can change a person's heart.
Next Step
If you find yourself in a strained relationship in the home, be careful of becoming “demanding.” The Apostle Paul says in v. 8: “I am boldly asking…” Setting boundaries and asking for right attitudes and actions in a loving relationship is bold and right. But asking is different from demanding. This calls for conversations that are calm, productive and mutually beneficial. It calls for consequences consistent with the behavior. Those consequences should not involve shame or humiliation. If you're having relational difficulties with a child, here are a couple sources to check out:
First, a link to a Focus on the Family article called, "Disciplining an Uncooperative Child."
Here's another article from the University of Minnesota.
Sometimes, only God can fix people. Remember, you can instruct, encourage, model, negotiate and mentor, but you can’t fix people. Pray and turn the person over to the Lord!
