Relationship Conflict
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the most common occurrence that brings discontentment and unhappiness in life is conflict. Discord with others could arise in the home, with a spouse, or with parenting kids. It could result with co-workers or neighbors. Your ability to get along with people close to you or with acquaintances can’t be put on automatic pilot. It takes some people skills. As I continue the series, “A Search for Contentment,” I want to look at how Jesus addressed relationship conflict.
NATURAL REACTION TO CONFLICT: BLAME
It seems that more often than not when we experience relational conflict, the natural reaction is to blame the other person and focus on their wrongs. Blame is the oldest relationship reaction in the history of human-kind! It’s as old as the world. When God confronted Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:11-13) about their sin and rebellion, husband and wife shift into blame mode…
“…the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”
Adam receives the gold star in blame. First, he blames God. “The woman you gave me…” And then he blames Eve, “(She) gave me the fruit…” Eve was equally quick to blame. It was “The Devil made me do it” excuse. She told God, “The serpent deceived me, that’s why I ate it.”
Ever since that scene in the Garden of Eden, blaming others for relational conflict has been our default reaction. The great philosopher, Forest Gump explained it, “Evil is what evil does.” It’s so natural that we don’t even need to teach it to our kids. As soon as they form words and sentences, they begin to shift the focus from their own wrongs to the actions of others: “He took my toy!” “She hit me first!” “He started it!” As we get older, we become a bit more sophisticated, but the natural tendency is still there.
Have you ever noticed how quickly we ignore or pass over our own deficiencies but are able to develop a detailed list of what others have done wrong? A husband and wife had an ongoing disagreement that began to fester and affect their marriage. They decided to go to a counselor. During their meeting with him, the husband took the initiative by laying out the problem as he saw it. He started by describing his wrongs in the situation, and then he listed his wife’s wrongs in greater detail. The counselor smiled and said to the husband, “If you could describe your wrongs with the same level of scrutiny and passion that you just gave to your wife’s behavior, you wouldn’t need to be in my office today.” If we give only lip service to admitting our part in a relational problem, reconciliation and healing will never happen.
Most of us have the inclination to put the faults of another under a microscope. A while back I heard a new vocabulary for the workplace—Blamestorming. It occurs when a group of co-workers discuss why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. But it’s not just in the workplace. Our culture does its share of blamestorming as a way of life. It’s all around us: Politics, the 24-hour news cycle, racial tensions, social/economic strain, and international relations are bursting with people lobbing accusation bombs at each other. If that’s our natural inclination, how can reconciliation and harmony ever happen?
BLAME ALWAYS ADVANCES CONFLICT
As Jesus traveled he came in contact with all kinds of people in conflict. One such incident is found in Luke 12. Luke describes the scene this way in verses 13-15…
“Then someone called from the crowd, ‘Teacher, please tell my brother to divide our father’s estate with me.’ Jesus replied, ‘Friend, who made me a judge over you to decide such things as that?’ Then he said, ‘Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.’ ”
Notice how Jesus responds to the man’s focus on his brother’s behavior. He says, “Beware,” “watch out!” Jesus gives an emphatic warning that there’s danger ahead if you focus on another person’s wrongs and ignore your own contribution to a conflict. Jesus knew that blame always makes the conflict worse. Blame takes your eyes off your responsibility and blinds you to reconciliation. Blame ignores your own personal behavior. Blame escalates the conflict, grows resentment, promotes judgmental attitudes, and throws gasoline on burning anger. Psalm 73:21-22 says…
“I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.”
No wonder Jesus says, “Beware!” If you don’t understand the defensive temperament of human nature, blaming others will continue to be your default response to conflict. Recognize that you’re capable of responding to conflict with others with a bitter heart that can be foolish and ignorant.
OWN YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
I suppose it’s possible that conflict with another person is 100% their fault. But let’s be honest, that would be rare! Since no one is perfect in relationship dynamics, it’s a certainty you won’t respond flawlessly when wading into the blustery conditions of conflict. The good news is that Jesus’ warning of “Beware,” is followed by wisdom we need to apply. He says in v. 5…
“Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”
In this circumstance, Jesus was addressing a character flaw of greed that was hurting the relationship between brothers. Jesus knew that the brother who was demanding his share of the inheritance was emphasizing the brother’s wrongs, and it would only make the conflict worse. By the way, in the times of Jesus, the custom was for the first born son to inherit the father’s belongings. In this case, it appears the second born was demanding that his brother share the wealth. And while that would have been the benevolent action to take by the older brother, Jesus rightly called out the motive of the younger: Greed!
Jesus was giving tremendously insightful relationship advice: Admit ways you contribute to a relationship conflict. Stop yourself from playing the blame card. Instead, take the road of admitting your own responsibility and contributions to a conflict. Jesus gives a similar urging in Matthew 7:3-5…
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s (wife’s, husband’s, co-worker’s, child’s…) eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”
Yes, we need to become loggers in our own forest of wrongs instead of casting blame on others. In your search for personal contentment, instead of putting the emphasis on others’ wrongs and sticking them in the eye with a log of sharp accusations, Jesus teaches that the shortest route to peace and reconciliation in relationships is to look in the proverbial mirror, identify and confess the “log” in your own eye. That’s the way to work out differences and resolve conflicts.
NEXT STEP
1. Are you in a conflicted relationship with someone you’re close to? The first step before trying to resolve it is to take responsibility for your own contributions to the conflict. Admit it to yourself and then be willing to share that with the other person.
2. In general, stay clear of blaming the other person for the trouble you have with him or her. It’s counter-productive and only escalates the conflict. Take more positive steps in resolving conflicts. Take a look at this link.
