A Transformed Heart
Living a life of contentment that leads to a semblance of consistent personal peace usually hinges on the health of your most important relationships. And more often than you may want, your personal peace and contentment will require you to practice the art of reconciling with another person. Face it, like most of us, you can be pretty skilled at offending someone close to you. And sometimes, it’s not even of your own doing! Regardless of how offenses go down, the hurt and pain that it produces can go one of two ways:
1) Anger, blame, resentment and unforgiveness.
2) Anger, personal responsibility, confession, reconciliation.
If you desire the outcome of the latter, it will require a transformed heart from one or both parties involved. Lasting change in a damaged relationship will require admitting wrong words and behavior and is the necessary step needed to start healing relational conflict.
A SIMPLE CONFESSION
A simple confession to a person you have offended can break the cycle of blaming and subdue intense emotions. Even if the majority of the conflict belongs to the other person, it usually takes two to tango in the complicated dance of personal conflict. Own your part of the conflict. Sometimes it'll actually encourage the other person to reflect on their own conduct, which may eventually lead them to admit their wrongs and lead to reconciliation. If you want real peace, go beyond confessing sinful behavior to God and humbly admit to the other party your part in the conflict. This is saying, "I can't control what the other person does but I can control my part in this conflict."
GO BEYOND THE SURFACE STUFF
However, in all honesty, moving toward reconciliation requires a transformed heart. And until a heart of stone is transformed into a heart of flesh that’s willing to heal self and the relationship, genuine reconciliation will not happen.
In the last blog "RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT," I introduced a conflict between two brothers. The Older brother, according to Jewish tradition received their father’s inheritance. The younger brother feeling jilted asked Jesus to mitigate a cash settlement with the older brother. In Luke 12:13, the younger brother says to Jesus…
“Teacher, please tell my brother to divide our father’s estate with me.”
However, in v. 15, Jesus responded with a whole different emphasis…
“Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”
Jesus took this occasion to teach a deeper truth—to go beyond surface behaviors and get to the root cause of a troubled relationship. He calls you to examine your own heart. In this case, and in most other personal conflicts, the root cause is usually a deep and selfish desire that's controlling the heart and resulting behavior. Out of a selfish, egocentric heart flows hurtful, sinful words and actions. In Mark 7:20-23, Jesus taught this truth…
"It is what comes from inside that defiles you. For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you."
It's clear that Jesus is teaching that the key to experiencing genuine peace and reconciliation with others is the condition of the heart. For instance, if you're unable to forgive and reconcile with a person who has hurt you, look at your heart. Deep down, there's a root of anger and bitterness that’s holding you back. The impulse is to cover up the root cause of a broken relationship. The first and greatest impulse you may have in a conflict is to justify yourself; to discredit both the truth and those who speak it, and to believe your own lie. Instead, Jesus teaches to recognize, confess, and get rid of the sinful desires that rule the heart.
YOU CAN’T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN
No matter how much you hate pride, self-righteousness, envy, jealousy, and an unforgiving heart, you cannot sweep these feelings from your heart through your own self-will. The good news is that Jesus offers himself to you. The Apostle John recognized this when he wrote 1 John 3:20…
“Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.”
When Jesus died on the cross, he paid the full penalty for the many failures, wrongs, and sins that you have knowingly committed against him and others. When you come to faith in Jesus, you experience complete forgiveness and reconciliation with God. Colossians 1:19-20…
"For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him, God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross."
Here's the reality: When God saves you from sin, he also gives you a heart that has undergone a radical transformation of reconciliation. Ezekiel 36:25-27…
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations."
Jesus is working to give you a tender heart of flesh that's responsive to him and his truth. He did that by putting the Spirit of God with you—However, that action is both 1) an event and 2) a process...
1) The Event
At your point of faith in Jesus as Savior, he forgives you and saves you from the penalty of sin. He gives you a new heart that's tender and responsive to the heart of God.
2) The Process
The spiritual event of being born again triggers a life-long process in which God the Holy Spirit steadily transforms your heart. In Philippians 2:12b the Apostle Paul wrote, "Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear." The Holy Spirit empowers you to obey and to relate to God with reverence.
God's end game is to help you put off your old desires and behaviors, and replace them with desires and behaviors pleasing to him and representing the character of Jesus. Without that kind of tender heart, it will be difficult if not impossible to remedy broken relationships.
IDENTIFY WORLDLY PATTERNS IN THE HEART
Now, I know this from experience, God will use relationship conflict to move you along in the journey of spiritual maturity. Every time you enter a relational skirmish, it’s an opportunity to identify worldly desires and patterns that may be controlling your heart—things like unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, and the desire for payback and retribution. If you don’t submit your heart daily to the control of the Holy Spirit, you’ll either turn away from God, indulging your old desires, or experience corrections the Holy Spirit desires to make within you. You'll see it as a moment to stop, confess to God, seek his forgiveness, and ask him to help you do the right thing.
We make these relational choices every day! Maybe you're at that place today. Maybe you're in a crisis of decision. The fact that you’re reading this means that God is at work purifying and liberating your heart. If you're in a broken relationship, today you can demonstrate God’s transforming work by admitting to desires that have been making in-roads or ruling your heart and hurting the relationship. I’m talking about greed, control, envy, pride, selfishness, anger, resentment—all those are mortal enemies to healthy relationships. God wants you humble and transparent; confessing your responsibility and open to reconciling a broken relationship. Do your part. Pray and ask God to do the rest. That path is far more likely to touch the heart of someone you’ve offended and move them to forgive you as well.
NEXT STEP
1. When both sides in a conflict dig deep into their own hearts and confess both the attitudes and the actions that have offended each other, peace and reconciliation are just around the corner. The natural human response to conflict is either to run away from the situation, blame others for the problem, or take responsibility for your part. If you are in that place today, admit any responsibility you may have, confess the log in your own eye.
2. Pray and ask God to transform the heart of the person you’re in conflict with. This is a radically different approach to conflict that will bring honor to our Lord.
3. Layout a practical plan for the route you'll take to reconcile with the person you're in conflict with. With God's help, move in that direction, while at the same time, keeping your heart pure.
